The Pastal Network: The PWMY Guide to Facebooking

Facebook: It’s totes your fave and most important daily destination. Who is looking hot and what slutty things did people do this weekend? While many a Pastabro will talk about how they’re gonna deactivate or how they don’t use it (“I check it like once a month” -Seth), we all know that isn’t true… It’s simply TOO FUN. It’s the place where you go to stalk and be stalked… And what’s better than stalking?!!! With that, I present:

The Pastal Network: The PWMG Guide to Facebooking!

Enjoy!

The Wall

1. There is one thing that all Pastettes do on Facebook. They go on their besties wall and post those 4 magic words: “ALL YOU DO IS EAT PASTA AND BE A BITCH!”
2. From there, Kate, Chris and the rest of your besties follow this up with the most A-mazing button in social networking: LIKE
3. (Editor’s note) Can you imagine if Pastabros went on each other’s walls and wrote: “You are so f’ing good at sports!” (Can we make that happen?)

Photos

4. Pictures… You only post the worst ones of you possible from last months disposable. Accordingly, the only person that looks at your pics more than your Facebook stalker is… you.
5. You name your Facebook albums after Party Names.
6. Album Name Option 2: Maine (or whatever season fits)
7. Album Name Option 3:
8. Album Name Option 4: an inside joke that only you and the people in the album understand: “All she does is eat pasta and be a bitchhhhhhhh.” A-MAZING!
9. You take all your pics with your head tilted… obv to your better side. (This pose has been rehearsed, just a little…OBV!)
10. You have at least one album titled “Abroad” (LIKE) which features pics that you uploaded onto Facebook from the most A-mazing time of your life.
11. Camp comment #1: Can’t believe we did that!!!
12. Camp comment #2: Insert foreign language!... PERO BUENO!
13. Camp comment #3: Wish I could be there with you!
14. Camp comment #4: “OMG it’s (INSERT PROGRAM DIRECTOR NAME HERE). She was the best!
15. Muploads… That pic is up before the flash has died down.
16. Black and white pics… so artistic.
17. Taking pictures with Randy…so supportive!
18. Pics of your A-mazing Christmas brunch spread… YUM! (Obv mobile upload)
19. Baby pics from your childhood… “You were so adorable in that dog cage!!! And now you’re so f’ing hot!”
20. You always have your hands on your hips… Like the Japanese do by putting up “peace signs” in front of their face, Pastettes grab their hips in a stealth way to look as skinny as possible. (The camera does not HAVE to add 10lbs if you embrace the Pasta Lifestyle, you've already gained 30!)
21. REMOVE TAG!
22. The most stressful part of your year is when you get back from a trip where you were in a bathing suit (Spring Break, Puerto Rico, obvs…). You have that trigger finger READY the millisecond your bestie posts her pics… (Remove Tag, Remove Tag… Oh, I like that one!)

Status Updates

23. Girls Night- One word: WOODCHUCK!
24. Hungover status- “What happened last night…Sorry Kaye!”
25. The “All one word” status update- Kitchen. Bagel. Knife. Scoop. Eat. Pray. Love. Content!
26. Soup. Jody Picoult. Couch. Smile. (I know! Jody Picoult is two words…DUH!)
27. Work. Coffee. Iced. Skim. Splenda. Monday!
28. My girls are so F’ing hot! (It works everywhere on Facebook)
29. Weather updates…Brr
30. It’s 0 in Brunswick… So missing New York right now!
31. Looks like someone is sleeping…”ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
32. At the gym! Mariel's workout is the best! (You get your skinny on, girl!”)
33. Your quote of the day: “I love the way you lie.” –Eminem feat. Rihanna (Deep!!!)
34. Ugh… “INSERT ANYTHING BAD HERE” (traffic, bad weather, midterms, Mondays, calories)
35. THEY NEED TO MAKE A DISLIKE BUTTON!!!

The Profile

36. Do I want to come off as witty (maybe a pic of me passed out on my couch with a beer (eww) hanging out of my hand)?
37. Wait! I just got a job at Deloitte (A-mazing)… Time to look professional! (REMOVE PICTURES WITH ALCOHOL)
38. "Nothing feels as skinny looks."
39. Unless, of course, you’re a fan of the Wire, in which case def quote that… (That show is so smart- the Shakespeare of our generation!)
40. Profile pic with a celeb- “HOW DID YOU GET TO MEET PEREZ HILTON?!!! SO JEAL!” (Yeah, I know you are.)
41. Profile pic with a professional football or basketball player… very cool! (Photo comments—you look like a teeny little peanut next to him!!!)
42. A profile pic with all your besties (be strategic here… At least one of the pastettes in the pic needs to make you look good (she’s a bigger fan of calories) and one needs to be GORG (let people know you’re not rolling with a weak crew)
43. In the end there is only one thing that really matters… LOOKING SO F’ING HOT!

Accepting Friend Requests

44. A Pastabro waits at least 36 hours to accept a pastette’s friend request… Cool customer!
45. Do I know this person? Let me check our mutual friends! Ok, he’s cool!
46. Why is there so much spam? DISLIKE!!!
47. Zac has 1032 friends… Is that too many?

Happy Birthday!

48. Happy Birthday (the bad)- No one REALLLY remembers your birthday anymore! Everyone just wishes everyone happy birthday!!! Your cousin’s yoga instructor’s chiwawa’s trainer who you met at the Starbucks in the East Village: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
49. Happy birthday (the good)- The Ice Breaker- What better way to reconnect with that Linguine Fini you Facebook stalk than by wishing them a happy birthday. If they respond, you know what’s next…CRACK?!!! (I’m guessing a dark beer for David (BRO!) and perhaps a Vodka soda for Ems? (Totes!)
50. The date you were born… Lose the year, obvs! Don’t want people knowing how old you are! (I’m 21…FOREVER!!!)

The Countdown

51. The countdown!!! You know the one where you write on your abroad besties wall every day in anticipation of her coming to visit you from their colleges… It’s probably the most important wall post Facebook offers:
52. “2 days…Can’t wait.”
53. “1 more day. Soooooooooo Excited.”
54. “I am standing next to you…LOL!”
55. Speaking of LOL… Pasta Nation loves to LOL themselves, even when more often than not, it’s not really that funny. “I’m pretty tired…LOL.” (Let’s get back to the countdown)
56. Your visitor in the count down is obv “so hot,” per your wall post from three months ago… But if she is “actually” hot then you know what is coming next…
57. A “Random” Message From David: “Hey Em. It’s been a while. I hope you are well. Just wanted to see what you were doing this weekend.” Followed by a “surprised” response when you tell him your bestie from abroad is coming to visit. (Pastabros LOVE hot pastette visitors… They are monitoring “The countdown” just as closely as you are… Another notch on the old belt!)
58. Then you have a weekend filled with so many fun things…LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
59. But before you can say tomawtoe, it’s over: “I’m in the car and I miss you already!!! I had the most A-mazing time this weekend… You are so f’ing hot!
60. “Back at school… ” (DISLIKE!!!!!!!)

Let’s Play!

61. “Can’t wait to play this weekend!”
62. Is there a word in the dictionary that means such different things when said by a Pastette vs. a Pastabro then the word “you're so bad!”?
63. “you're so bad!” for girls- play can mean anything (go out for woodchucks, hang out on the couch (Care) and watch Animal Planet, maybe brunch!) But for guys…
64. “you're so bad!” for guys means only one thing- Tuesday night basketball at Morrell. 98 times out of 100, the game consists of Pastabros, 5’9- 6’0, who peaked as a role player on their high school basketball team. It’s the best part of their week (seeing as work is killing them). Crap! You forgot your basketball sneakers?… All good, again! 99% (even better chance) of male pasta wears sneakers within 1 shoe size of 10.5. (Sports… Woo Woo!)

Relationship Status

65. Relationship Status is everything!
66. Did David just pop the question? (Are you 26 and a Pasta 10 Alum?)… Then you know what’s next. Change that relationship status to “Engaged.” ASAP! Then message the girls… Then change your profile pic to the two of you doing something adorable together… (Then you can call your parents!)
67. Are you single ? You’re only “single” on Facebook if you are truly on the prowl. You need a husband because all your besties have gotten engaged in the last 4 days (joint engagements!!!). The world needs to know you are ready willing and able.
68. Maybe you can leave it blank: “I don’t need the world to know my business!”
69. Otherwise it is time to be “too funny.” You’re “in a relationship” (usually one of the “complicated” variety) with your bestie... HEY, KAREN F!
70. Or! Even better, “It’s Complicated” with someone who has the exact same name as you!!! (Editor’s note: That actually would be pretty complicated…)

Ugh… Privacy Settings!

71. The one thing that is worse than death and taxes: Facebook’s privacy settings!!! You hate it! “We can’t trust these people with anything!!! (Speaking of, how bout that $50 billion valuation, my Deloitte bros?… A-mazing! But is it really possible?! What’s their revenue model? Yuck, did I really just say that?”)
72. You make it your duty to alert all your besties and your cousin’s yoga instructor’s chiwawa’s trainer about any and all things privacy related… maybe with a wall post.
73. “Privacy settings: You are so NOT f’ing hot!”
74. Worst. Change. Ever!
75. DISLIKE!!!

How Pasta Are You?

Pasta (adj) – Someone who is A-MAZING, possesses all of the qualities of what is stereotypically jappy, but is not necessarily Jewish. Obviously, this person LOVES pasta. You don’t have to be female to be pasta, but you almost certainly have a direct relationship with a member/ thousands of members of the Pasta 10 Conference:

Bowdoin
Colby
Bates
Amherst
Connecticut College
Hamilton
Trinity Tufts
Middlebury
Wesleyan
Williams

Below is a list of some other things that are pasta. How pasta are you?

1. If you got over 630 on your SAT(thats how many calories are in a cup of Orecchiette), then it is with 100% certainty that you or one of your five best friends growing up attended a school in the Pasta 10.
2. You know numerous girls named Chris, Claire, Kaye, Kate, or Care.
3. The word “SLUTS” is the most amazing word in the dictionary and the word that describes just about everything.
4. Oh, and any activity is “So Cleavage!”
5. Bean Boots vs. Mocs- So comfortable- but are they worth it?
6. Sweatpants with writing down the side. http://bowdoinsweats.blogspot.com
7. Gin Bucket- aka “Mama's Milk”- the greatest drink ever (low cal, obv).
8. Helmreich or Reed- Get in or you are OUT!
9. CAMP!
10. Someone you lived with in college attended one of these high schools: Dalton, Whitman, Andover, St. Pauls, Ransom Everglades, or Poly.
11. Post graduation city options- New York, Boston or LA- That’s it!
12. Law school for guys- followed by jobs that require at least 100 hour work weeks- complaining about the hours (standard) but zero chance you’ll leave. Same applies for banking! (You justify it by telling people you’re learning a ton…)
13. Law school for girls- Great place to meet a LAWYER!
14. Agency Training in LA- Ari Gold is your hero (Daddy is making payments on your beamer because you make 28k a year but HAVE to fit in at Trousdale).
15. PR for girls (editor’s note: what in the world is a career in PR? What does Ali do all day?- I’m sure it’s A-mazing).
16. Backwards words i.e. YTRAP!
17. Smiley faces.
18. Backpacks- at least one for every day of the week.
19. First apartment in NYC- Home.
20. For bros who crave the continuation of the frat life- until their job and their Pastette turn them into their dad- we’ll see you on the StuyTown basketball courts this weekend.
21. Second Apartment- 111 Maine.
22. Third Apartment- 17 Cleaveland Street(So mature).
23. Work hard play harder… until you’re 26 and you HAVE to get engaged.
24. Speaking of engaged- Did a girl you lived with in college just get engaged? Give it 8 months before the other 5 girls in your house do too? A-MAZING!
25. Girlfriend is out of town- gonna rage with my bros!
26. Future book clubbers of America.
27. Did we mention how A-mazing the word “sluts” is?
28. Oh, and “Yay.”
29. Little dogs.
30. You watch at least 2 versions of the Real Housewives.
31. Pasta 7 days per week? Need to stay healthy... not!
32. The gym!
33. Yoga/ Spinning- Obv! OMG, Soul Cycle! Who’s your fave instructor?
34. Thorne vs. Moulton- a bigger rivalry than Yankees vs. Red Sox.
35. Irrational crying!
36. Die hard Yankee Fan. Oh! And now I love the KNICKS! How much are tickets?!
37. Marloboro lights!
38. If you didn’t go to a school with a major college football team, you root for another school in the Pasta 10 because of your relationship from rule 1. “My brother went to Michigan!”
39. Slumming in college meant an extended period sleeping with a lacrosse player. But that is so DUNZO. Now it is strictly older guys who can afford the best pasta (Who have careers stemming from rule 12 or 14).
40. Facebook for Pastettes-looking at girls from high school to see how they look now. “Definitely hope she is fat. I hated that bitch!”
41. Facebook for Pastbros- Checking out girls I wanna smash.
42. Facebook Status #1- “Pasta with my girls. LOVE YA BITCHES.”
43. Facebook Status #2- “Obsessed with my girls!”
44. Birthdays! At least one a weekend. That’s why ME is amazing. So many people here!
45. Come to my Joint birthday party with EMILY on the LES… I would so never live there, though, GROSS… But it’s so fun to go out down there! You better come (And feel free to bring whoever).
46. Nickname for your group of girl friends has something to do with how large their breasts are: Cleavage! (Unless they are simply, your besties or favs!)
47. Having a really close gay friend.
48. Being way too busy with work!!!
49. Happy hour!
50. Spicy Tuna roll, ginger salad and a vodka soda… I’m full!
51. Two dates in and David is “your man” or “your babe.”
52. Two dates in and Becky is “your lady” or “your babe.”
53. Seth has very strong opinions about sports.
54. He plays in multiple fantasy leagues.
55. And he worships the sports guy.
56. If he wasn’t good at sports in high school, he didn’t let the brothers know during rush…
57. Special pants!!! So warm, but do they make my ass look fat?
58. “I went to Bowdoin.” Translation- I went to a really good private school that funnels pasta there”…LEGACY!
59. “I was deciding between Brown, Bowdoin, and Colby.” Translation- I got rejected early decision from Penn.
60. “I went to Bowdoin because I wanted to have fun.” Translation- I couldn’t get into Brown.
61. “I just wanted to go to Bowdoin with my besties.” Translation- You are a true ambassador of PASTA.
62. “I went to BOBO.” Translation- I am rich and from Just Outside Boston.
63. Let’s go to Joshuas on Saturday or Sunday- TO MEET TOWNIES!
64. Soco and Lime shots! SOAF 2010!!!
65. Abbrevs! How is this #65? It’s the only way you talk!
66. At least 1 of your besties from the Cleaveage (#46) will not be one of your favs by three years out of college. They so stole “my man.”
67. I’ve been in Boston for 5 years. I think I want to try NY. THE WEATHER!
68. I’ve been in NY for 5 years. “Ugh, Traffic.” I think I want to try Boston! THE ACTION!
69. Bridesmaid speech- “Claire LOVES good food. We always knew Claire would marry a LAWYER!” (Editor’s note: do some people not like good food?)
70. Molasses Cookies- SO FUN!
71. The South- EWW- But I hear Austin is AMAZING!
72. ZEBRA CAKES!
73. You refer to celebrities by their first names.
74. You tell people who ask you where you are from that you are from Just Outside Boston –or whichever pasta hotbed you currently reside- not the suburb you grew up in.
75. If you happen to be from NYC or LA, you always include “I grew up there” or “born and raised” to rule 74.
76. You live with one of your besties from Whitman…A…MAZING!
77. Being set up!
78. Let’s get drinks? (something chill of course)
79. 25 and under= my friends are so hot!
80. Over 25= She’s single. Do you want to meet her?
81. A long and prosperous career…Till I’m 30 and want to have BABIES!
82. Whip my hair back and forth…
83. “That’s so funny!” (no joke was told) – Leads to more hair twirling.
84. Visits to Miami.
85. Reality television shows… It gets personal. You actively discuss the characters as if they have real life significance: “She’s such a bitch!”
86. You watch animal hoarders on the reg. EWW CATS! SO DISGUSTING!
87. You are 3 degrees removed from a 17 and Pregnant or I Used to be Fat castmate: “My bestie’s cousin went to college with her. She is SO not like that in real life!”
88. Cosmo- Sufficient reading for the week? Totes!
89. New Years- NY or LA? It’s always such a let down when we stay in the city! Why am I stressing about this?!
90. Deloitte. Not sure what it is, but I so want to date a guy who does it!
91. Dudes who wear winter hats backwards (fashionable!)
92. Scarves…in 50 degree weather!
93. “Excuse me. Can you take a picture?…Hold on; let me see it really quick… Do you mind taking another?(Let’s do the kissie face with this one)…Ok, you can take it now. Thanks!”
94. Flannels- I don’t give a fuck… but I so do. Meet you the Little Dog in 20?
95. Fashion week- Super Bowl for Ms. Spicy Tuna Roll.
96. Which shoes should I wear?
97. NYU would be so in, except that it’s not college, it’s a 4 year head start on drug abuse and pasta intake. (Note to NYU students- Take 4 years, and go have a college campus. It’s fun. Plenty of time to spend $2,000/month on rent).
98. Skinny arms and calves—Is anything more important?!
99. Time for Brunch with my cleavage! ( YAY!)– GG, TTYL!